This may sound strange but yaaaaay! It’s been a year since my hubby passed. Last blog my energy was unsure but anticipatory. Well all that changed!
Like to hear it, here it go!
On October 11 it marked 365 days that my babe had been gone. 365 days that he wasn’t beside me. 365 that I haven't been involved in his care. 365 days of not looking into his eyes. 365 days.
I had been counting down but I still didn’t know what I was counting to. There was a looming feeling that something was coming and you don’t know what it is! Those last three days were a beautiful plot twist. Here’s day 363!
Sunday was the hardest day. That morning I woke up thinking about this Sunday last year. After having had a full Friday traveling for a MD appointment we planned to test on Saturday and Sunday. But Sunday was different. Yes we had our Sunday routine but Jerold wanted to be up and outside(sunny side up) for service. I can recall each moment that we moved through on that Sunday. And that Sunday last week…. I did! I remembered it , I saw it, I heard it.
I made it out of the bed into the kitchen. I tried to have a semblance of what would have been a normal day but it did not work out that way. My breakfast was made but it sat in the kitchen while I sat on the sofa. I was making time to cry , go me. I’ve been working on that with my therapist . Not suppressing my emotions that is. The tears began to roll and they rolled for a while! Deep breathing ensued and I felt every part of my broken heart. It was the worst but it was OK. I sat in my living room on my sofa, with my closest friend across from me. And it was OK. I couldn’t find words and it was OK. I went from sitting up,to leaning over, to curled in a ball and it was OK. I probably would have stayed in that ball much longer had not my friend came and laid on hip. I’m funny about people being in my space but I needed someone close and it was OK!
I started to breathe better ,see better, move better through the big beautiful void. Then the Johnson party of four ARRIVED! Mommy,Granny,Ken Ken and KK. I was concerned about how much energy I would have for the company. I was concerned about being sad and bringing everyone down. But with kids around you know the exact opposite happened. The laughs and giggles and the auntie this and the auntie that began to light up our home. Carla started cooking and movies started playing. We even had virtual church with my DLE fam, a corrective auntie moment during a tantrum and a business huddle! Talk about a full day. Dare I say Day 1 was a win.
With all these moving parts and me still managing grief and personal boundaries…. I must say I was UBER proud of myself. I can see all the skills and new understanding of me SERVING me first and who I love 2nd. Round of applause.
I’m going to call it quits right here and because for Day 364,Monday is whole other story . See you next week.
I love you BIG.
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