Updated: Apr 19, 2022
What it do Journey Squad. I hope y’all are doing your work and using the tools in your boxes. Unfortunately, I have to be redirected to one on this day.
Like to hear it? Here it go!
As you’re learning about me, you might understand that I’m accustomed to being very busy, always engaged, and focused on a specific task or activity. Facts. As an event planner, this works for me really well! I have broad perception fields and narrow perception fields.
Well, our church was planning one of our annual events. ITTP. It’s super dope. So, of course, I lead on planning and much of the execution. But something was off on Thursday( we prep on Thursday for a smooth flow on Friday and Saturday).
I came to town. I was going about my regular activity. Making new habits to not wait till the last minute to set up things. Checking floor plans, table placement, linen, etc., but my energy was different. I noticed I was coaching myself through the to-do items on the list; I was pacing myself audibly and stopping to take deep breaths.
I intrinsically knew something was off!
I guess I intrinsically knew something was off or coming, and I was trying to work myself through it.
Deep breaths and therapy!
By the Grace of God, it was THURSDAY, just about 4:30 pm… So what happens on Thursdays at 4:30. I check in with my therapist!! I’m smiling right now….. But I wasn’t then. HONEST. She texted me for a chat, and my PRIDE wanted to say, “I’m okay today .”BIG FAT LIE!
I told the truth, welcomed the chat, and she was right on it. It was like, me knowing that my safe place was coming, given all the emotions the permission to rush to the surface. The tears started a 4 x100 relay.
Before I could get out of the building, good phone to my head, people coming in the door, and I was trying to GET OUT of the door! DEEP BREATHS
Deep breaths and therapy!
Soon as I sat in my car, I started falling apart gracefully because I’m still cute. 😜
Why do we try so hard not to cry?
That chat revealed so much about me and what J provided to me. My need for security and reassurance. My need for support. My need for proximity. No matter what I was working on, whether he could actually fix my problem or not, whether he was physically present or not, his heart’s proximity to EVERYTHING my hands touched was comfort, security, and reassurance for me.
His hearts proximity to EVERYTHING my hands touched was comfort, security and reassurance!
Since he passed, I have had so many safe places, but this was a big beautiful void that nobody could fill. Nobody else can make everything alright by just being on the phone. Nobody else looked at me the way he did. Nobody else’s eyes looked with the love and pride of my husband. There is no other Jerold C.Mason, and there never will be. So there is nothing left to do but understand the void and feel every bit of it. Feeling my FEELINGS!
It was the most uncomfortable, lonely, abandoned feeling I have ever experienced. BUT I learned a ton about myself that day. I dont have time to tell it all, but I’m better because of it.
What I do know…
When I was weak, God was strong.
When I was lonely, God didn't leave me or forsake me.
When I was drowning, God raised a standard against what tried to crush me.
I am still being gracefully broken and the later version of me will be better than the former one.
The reality is.......some days will take Deep Breath & Therapy.
We are surfing over here.
I love you BIG 🧡
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