Hey y’all. I’m living and breathing over here. What’s a trip is that i didn’t realize my pulse had dropped!
Like to hear it. Here it go.
I mentioned on my IG recently that conversations are life for me. I enjoy conversing and sharing with people. I like to have a good time. I like to leave a shared space as a better version of me. But even more I want others to be changed after having been in a conversation with me.
Between June and Sept I have been more quiet than I am accustomed to. There are several causes that I'm suspicious of..
Talking because of a demand instead or mere joy
Requiring more energy to show up , having less energy for words
Learning to do internal work and be satisfied with it
Widow work is just emotionally taxing
Showing Up
I NEVER realized how much energy it takes to show up! It’s never been a challenge for me to show. I definitely was the friend that showed up, brought all the energy, and stayed after to help wrap everything up. After this last year of life I understand why others were so wowed by the amount of energy I usually had. It's so clear to me now. I'm still a “joy baby” but I now have some life experiences under the belt that present challenges that I now am learning to navigate. I still HATE not being there for all of my friends and all of their things, but now when I show up KNOW its not only because I love you but because “there” is where i am supposed to be.
Love checks happen in the mirror!
Internal Work
BABY this little rollercoaster, that i just disrespected by calling “little”. It's not just emotions. It is both emotions and awareness. I'm so glad that I'm more aware. I genuinely believe I'm a better friend and a better HUMAN for that matter. This work is a FOREAL job. Having the knowledge to stop and engage your feelings and the coordinating emotions is vulnerable. Vulnerable with YOURSELF! There is only one audience member. Acknowledging yourself, honoring yourself, and giving yourself room to express is a beautiful display of love! The way we love ourselves reflects how well we will love others. Love checks happen in the mirror. What you looking like fam??
I can't blame every emotion on grief.
Widow Work
Least favorite thing to do ever in life. Handling business. Rehearsing the reality of Oct 11, 2021. UGH. But it's necessary work. It’s legacy work in so many ways. I can't blame every emotion on grief. That would be a LIE and a cop out! Widow work is being real about the grief journey. I checked back on the DABDA the other day. As my own little check in with what I'm experiencing. I really try not to just let my days happen! I’m learning to be diligent and aware to observe myself throughout the days as a part of the widow work. I’m learning to be aware of how things can affect me and not being SURPRISED when it does! :-D
This season has been quiet because I have been doing the work. But I still need to come out and play. AKA have some beautiful, rich conversations where everyone involved leaves better than they came.
I was a part of a IG chat on mental health recently.
It reminded me of exactly what I was missing!
Thanks for going on this journey with me.
I LOVE YOU BIG 🌺