Updated: Mar 9
You know that feeling you get when you're single and a guest at a wedding? You ask yourself... Will I meet someone worthwhile today? How many people are going to ask why you're not married yet? What if I catch the bouquet or garter?
This weekend I learned that widows(ers) have a line of questions that they work through as well.
WELP. This weekend I learned that widows(ers) have a line of questions that they work through.
One of our girls (mine and Jerold's girls) got married this weekend. She's that younger cousin that's ALWAYS on 100. Excited, anticipating, strategizing, and building something!! She would come over to visit and chat for hours. J would listen to her pour out her heart and empower her to master whatever moment she was in. Apparently, J's words were so enriching that she would circle back with an entourage of her FRIENDS!! Needless to say, this was a wedding that I was ELATED to attend.
If it had been anyone else's wedding I would have
RSVP’d "Regrets" and sent a gift.
This wedding was different. We talked about, prayed about, and waited for this day to come. I had no hesitation about attending. However, I didn't regard it as one of my FIRST formal BAE occasions without J.
You want to know how it went right……
It was BEAUTIFUL!!! Every aspect of the evening was a dream. We viewed the ceremony and
listened to their personal vows. I cheesed(smiled super big). Then, they made their grand entrance. I CHEESED. They had their first dance with all THE SMOKE. I CHEESED & videod. Danced with parents. I CHEESED. Every TOAST & Remark. I CHEESED.
My heart smiled to see her and her J so happy and in their moment.
My heart smiled to see her and her J so happy and in their moment. But as they rounded from table to table, visiting and laughing, I realized a commonality that she and I had. We both loved us some Jerold, and if anybody was going to be painstakingly aware of his absence at that moment, it was US two, Jerold's Bride and Jaron's Bride. I got so nervous and scared that I would kill the joy. Suck it out of the room! I thought, "Do I have enough of my happy energy to mask missing J right now? Will I burst into tears or be fake happy and everything be okay. Honestly, it could have gone any direction. Weddings already make you emotional. GEEZ
But I did a thing…… I'm really proud I had it in my toolbox. I opened the notes on my iPhone and started writing how scared I was at the moment. NO LIE. As they stood at the table before reaching ours, I briefly journaled my feelings. MERCY GOD!!
“ COUSIN, ARE YOU OKAY”.
That moment of self-awareness was a BIG help. But there was one moment even better. When Cousin Amber turned to us with that BIG smile, she opened her arms and said, "COUSIN, ARE YOU OKAY." The fact that those were her first words MADE EVERYTHING OKAY. And that was a long hug (in case you're wondering). At that moment, I felt seen and cared for. She gave me permission not to be okay, miss Jerold, and still love and support her moment.
That meant THEE WORLD to me!! "Mama, I made it."
Mama I made it, but it went downhill from there.