So I made it through the weekend only to meltdown Monday morning.
Like to hear it, Here it GO!
Well happy Monday to me.
First Bona’Fide Wedding
I worked my first wedding since October 2021(when Jerold passed). It was wonderful. Bride ,Groom and squad were wonderful! Truly a beautiful day. The other vendors were on point as well! It was a Bona’Fide Wedding. I was quite proud of myself. Surely the focus on the day moving timely was a good working distraction. But I’m still BIG PROUD!
I did have tears!
Though working the wedding went smoothly for me emotionally, I did have tears. Those tears started welling up when it was time to leave my house and head into town. By the time I reached the first traffic light it was a full out cry! Truly processing that J wasn’t waiting to check in, waiting to hear how the wedding was, and knowing that I wouldn't have him as my landing place to exhale was a big pill to swallow. It felt so RANDOM at that moment but, in hindsight, I appreciate that moment..
Knowing that I had my moment in advance so I wouldn't be sideswiped with emotion later.
Remembering how his physical presence wasn’t required to be my biggest supporter.
He was an amazing gift and i felt that BIG BEAUTIFUL VOID!
I made it FRIDAY - SUNDAY, strong. OKaaaay. Let's brag on it for a second. Thank you.
And THEN…… A big pothole interrupted our travel home at 11pm Sunday night leaving the wedding! We hit it and the next thing we heard….sspppssssssssssss! Baby that tire was DONE! Fortunately we were close to our destination and crept right up the road to safety
I immediately ran through all the other decisions I COULD have made to avoid this situation,but BLAH. What's done is done. My affect went to FLAT. My tone went mono. I had to channel every bit of thought and energy to walking through the next steps and this roadside app. Fortunately it was pretty seamless.
But Monday morning. Tires, Prices, Locations, Brands, Sizes. Things that i never, NEVER had to do cause the only call i had to make was to Jerold!! Those few moments brought feelings over overwhelm, anxiety and irritation.
I didn't want help.
I didn't feel like being engaging.
I didn't feel like having the pleasant person on the phone “switch” on.
Lastly, I HATE feeling unprepared. Cause of course i know everything. Not knowing something is like a HUGE SPOTLIGHT to OUT me. I have not idea about this process. The last time i had to do this was years before me and J were married and my dad probably handled it. So do navigate it now without J was a LOT.
So i took myself to a room, closed the door and gently curled myself into a ball and spent the next 45min crying and experiencing all of the emotions!
Looking back at it now it really was a smooth process. But life without my babe is not nearly as smooth of a journey.
That BIG BEAUTIFUL VOID is real.
We don't realize how someone's presence can add to our peace till their presence is not there anymore.
Thanks for being on this journey with me. I know I'm not the only person with a meltdown story! If you wanna share yours with me. Send me a message or drop a little something in the comments.
Remember whatever your journey is, you’re GRACED For This!
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